


Of Memories and Mourning

by ArcticLucie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Destroy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, ME2, Memory Loss, Non-Linear Narrative, Post ME3, Smut, Trust Issues, mShenko
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-20 02:39:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8233162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLucie/pseuds/ArcticLucie
Summary: Shepard wakes up after destroying the Reapers to find a husband he doesn't remember marrying, a galaxy he doesn't remember saving, and a dead boyfriend he doesn't remember burying. An angsty sequel to Of Elevators and Eclairs.





	1. Awake

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, a sequel! I hope I can make this as angsty as it is in my head. :D Not sure this first chapter worked out that way, but I tried. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Shepard woke up with a groan, his throat as rough as sandpaper as he tried to open his eyes. The heavy lids took coaxing, but when they cracked, the light pouring in had them slamming shut tighter than before. Murmurs sprung up around him, voices too unfocused to identify, but despite how hard he tried to cling to consciousness, the darkness won, pulling him back under and into a dreamless sleep.

*

The second time he woke, he didn’t bother trying to open his eyes. Instead he focused on his fingers. They felt stiff and slow to react, but he soon had them wiggling against the course sheets. His head felt like someone filled it to the brim with sawdust and his thoughts and memories came to him in fragments, all jaded and disjointed.

He heard the soft hum of machinery and its incessant beeping, which gave away his location: the infirmary. _So… not dead._

Next time he would try moving his toes, but that would have to wait because he felt his strength giving out.

He didn’t fight the darkness when it came for him.

*

Whispers woke him the third time. His eyes fluttered open, and the early orange haze from the sun enveloped him in its embrace. He grew up among the stars, on ships traveling the galaxy in the name of exploration, but Earth would always hold a special place within his heart. He couldn’t complain about waking up on the planet his ancestors came from, but he wished he could remember how he got there.

His tongue almost stuck to the roof of his dry mouth when he tried to swallow, but he couldn’t force down the lump camped out at the back of his throat. The effort set off a coughing fit that turned his ribs to fire. His eyes snapped shut as he twisted in pain, the sheets pulling taut against his bare chest.

“Shepard?” came a panicked voice followed by another telling him to relax.

Easier said than done.

Something warm trickled up his arm before it radiated out to the rest of his body. Only then could he catch his breath. He melted back into the bed, his muscles going lax and a sense of calm overtaking him. Thank the Spirits for the good stuff. He didn’t remember what happened to him, but it must’ve been big for a cough to send him into such a spiral.

His eyes grew heavy, but he drank from the straw offered to him, and it relieved some of the dryness. He didn’t know who had grabbed his hand, but thank Spirits for them too.

“This is a good sign, but he needs more rest.”

Shepard had to agree.

*

He couldn’t tell twilight from dawn, day from night, but he assumed the sun had just set considering the overhead lights had flickered on. The nightmare didn’t make sense as it slipped away into the place dreams went to die. He didn’t want to chance movement, but he could just make out a figure to his left, dark hair covering their head and half their face. A man, his sluggish brain supplied.

He swallowed. That came easier now. His feet flexed, his fingers wiggled, his eyes opened and closed on command. Time to test the voice.

“W-will….” The harsh whisper almost died in his throat, but he cleared it and tried again. “Will?”

“Shepard? Spirits, you’re awake,” a smooth voice replied. The man in the chair stood and moved toward him, his warm hands wrapping around Shepard’s. “I can’t believe it!”

“Wah…”

“What? What do you need? Water? Some ice? You’re mother just left, but I can call her back. I’ll get the doctor. Or maybe a nurse? What do you need?”

Before Shepard could try and cut through the rambling, another voice sounded through the speakers on his hospital bed. “Yes, Major Alenko?”

“He’s awake again. Can you send in Dr. Michel?”

“Of course, Major.”

“Gods, John, you scared the shit out of me, but you’re gonna be fine, okay?” the Major said as he drew a hand through Shepard’s hair. It felt too good for him to question in the moment.

“Water?” Shepard asked.

“Oh, yes, right! Water.” He let go and turned to pick up a cup sitting nearby. “Let me raise you up a little.” The bed moved under him and he only winced a little at the pain it caused. “I know; I’m sorry. The doctors said you’d be sore for a while. Here, drink.”

Shepard took a few sips from the straw, having the foresight not to guzzle it down despite his thirst. He cleared his throat again before taking another sip. “Thanks.”

“More?”

He shook his head and leaned back against the pillow. How could someone get winded from taking a damn drink?

Alenko sat the cup down and pulled up his omni-tool. The orange glow reflected in his whiskey eyes as he typed away on the keyboard.

“What happened?”

“You fell from Earth after you fired the Crucible. It took us two days to find you and dig you out of the rubble. Well, it took Grunt two days. I was kind of a mess.”

“I’m sorry, the what?”

The Major’s thick brows pinched together, but both of their eyes shot over to the door when it hissed open.

“It’s so good to see you awake, Commander,” the doctor greeted. Her thick French accent sounded familiar, but he couldn’t place her.

“Commander? Okay, I think you’re confusing me with my mother,” he replied, a dry laugh making his throat tickle.

“The Admiral?” Alenko asked in surprise.

“She’s an admiral now? Damn, how long was I out?”

Dr. Michel pulled up her omni-tool and started to scan him. “Shepard, what year is it?”

“2176.”

He ignored the way they both failed at hiding the shock on their face. He didn’t trust his senses yet.

“And what’s the last thing you remember?”

“Uh, it’s all kind of fuzzy.”

Dr. Michel smiled down at him before looking back to her omni-tool. “Memory loss is not uncommon after severe trauma. Just do your best.”

He had started to fatigue, but he didn’t want to sleep yet. He closed his eyes for just a moment and tried to gather his thoughts. “Um… Will surprised me with a trip to Elysium. We were celebrating our anniversary… I think we were heading to the restaurant… yeah, we grabbed a skycar, which the four-eyed bastards shot down. We made it to the armory on the base. He’s okay, right?”

“You don't remember anything else after that? Y-you don't remember me?” the Major asked.

“Uh, no offense, but I’ve known you all of two minutes. Who's a Major gotta piss off to get stuck babysitting a grunt anyway?”

Shepard watched Alenko’s brown eyes flash panic. “I’m your husband!”

“Kaidan, a word,” Dr. Michel interjected. Alenko stared, mouth agape, for a moment before following the doctor’s order.

“Heh, I’m flattered, but I’m already taken.” His voice cracked at the end, and he took that as his cue to stop talking. He strained to hear the two of them whispering by the door, but his eyelids drew too heavy to hold up, and he slipped into that place between sleep and wakefulness. He should really ask for some coffee.

He should ask for Will.

They probably had him in another room, or maybe another hospital. Or he could still be back on Elysium. How did he get to earth? If his mother was an admiral now—and how the hell had she done that—maybe she pulled some strings to get him transferred. She never liked Will, so she probably wanted the pleasure of telling him she’d separated them as some kind of intervention.

Or maybe he was dead. Yeah, no way, Will was a much better soldier than him.

But what was with that Major guy? What the hell kind of drugs did they have him on? Shit, what if the Batarians had captured him and this was some kind of torture or brainwashing program? The word indoctrination popped into his head, but he couldn’t make sense of it.

“Johnny?”

His eyes shot open when he heard his mother’s voice. She looked older than he remembered, her dark hair a shade of gray lighter. “Mom?”

“Hi, baby. How are you feeling?”

He cleared his throat again. “Confused.”

She threaded her hand through his hair and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “Yeah, I know.”

“Where’s Will?” he croaked out, his voice getting more hoarse with every word.

Her shoulders stiffened and her expression told him everything he didn’t want to know.

“Mom?”

“Honey, you already know.”

His eyes stung as tears blurred his vision. “I need to hear it.”

She sighed and squeezed his hand. “He died on Elysium… ten years ago.”

“Ten years? I’ve been asleep—he’s been dead for ten years?” How was that even possible?

“You’ve only been unconscious for four months, and you’ve suffered major memory loss, but as I’ve said, this is to be expected,” Dr. Michel said. “We’re hopeful most of it will come back to you.”

“Hope? That’s all you have?” Shepard’s voice started to give out on him again, but he just wanted to understand. “My boyfriend died, I barely recognize my own mother, and all you have to offer is hope?”

“John, honey, you’re confused and upset, but you have so many people who love you and will help you get through this, okay?” Hannah said, but he shook his head and wired his eyes shut again. “Kaidan’s not going—”

“I don’t know him!” he yelled with every bit of his remaining strength. “I don’t know any of you, so just go. Get out!” The rest came out in a ragged whisper, but when nobody moved, he tried to fling the covers off himself. “Then I’ll leave.”

“Dammit, Shepard! Lay down,” Kaidan demanded, but when Shepard refused to listen, he fired up his biotics, the smell of ozone drowning out antiseptic.

That fucking cheater!

“You can’t leave yet, John. And I’m not going anywhere without you.”

Shepard struggled, but his body refused to budge under the stasis. Okay, this guy was really starting to piss him off.

His emotions had run the gauntlet it the last five minutes. He still didn’t know what the hell had happened to him. He just found out his boyfriend was dead, or so the lady who kind of looked like his mom had said, and now they refused to let him leave. He was a goddamned hostage, but as soon as the drugs kicked in, he couldn’t help but give into the darkness once more.

***

That night he dreamed of Batarians, of beat up old ships descending from atmo. He remembered everything, every minute detail down to the color of his shirt. Gunfire erupted around them out of nowhere. An RPG of some kind hit their skycar, and the driver swerved right into an outdoor market. Then they ran as people scattered. Screams filled the air, as did the smell of smoke and the sound of gunfire. He looked down when Will grabbed his hand, tugging on it as he looked at him over his shoulder. “We gotta move, sunshine!”

Will’s grin lit up the dusty air around him and bathed him in an ethereal haze. He looked angelic, and Shepard remembered thinking how fucking perfect he was in his element, so carefree, so commanding, everything he aspired to be, but they had no time for soft moments. They had a mission now, and neither would stop until they completed it.

They booked it on foot to the armory and loaded themselves down with weapons, as much as they could carry. “We stay together,” Shepard said. “Promise me.”

“I promise.”

But Will broke it an hour later and left Shepard with a last kiss that would haunt him for years.

He remembered, but oh how he wished he hadn’t.


	2. Old Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time jump back to Horizon.

~Horizon: 2185~

 

“No, _Commander,_ you don’t get to walk away from me!” Shepard snapped from behind him.

Kaidan grit his teeth but continued walking away. He hadn’t wanted to believe the rumors, but he’d seen him with his own two eyes, Commander Shepard in the flesh with a goddamned C emblazoned on his chest. He didn’t understand it. After all this time, after all his mourning and Shepard comes crashing back into his life like a solar storm threatening to knock out all his defenses. 

“Shepard?” he heard Garrus call.

“Get back to the ship, Vakarian!” Shepard ordered.

Garrus Vakarian.

He’d cried on the Turian’s shoulder, leaned on him as he staggered home after Shepard’s memorial service. And yet there he was, fighting for an organization that didn’t care if he lived or died, though they might've cared a little more for the latter. So how did that make sense? Had the whole damn galaxy gone mad?

Kaidan shook off his hand when Shepard reached out to him. He felt so betrayed. On instinct, he spun and pinned Shepard to the closest wall with a stasis. Then he rushed him, shoulders heaving even under his armor. Shepard’s face showed defeat, but Kaidan couldn’t let go. His rage had steadily built since he first saw him, but he couldn't let his anger take over.

“I… I mourned you,” he whispered, the threat of tears making his eyes burn in the muted sunlight. 

“I…,” Shepard started but had to stop to clear his throat before he continued, “I’m sorry I left you,” he whispered back, blue eyes glistening with unshed tears. He sounded so fucking sincere that it hurt, but how could Kaidan trust him, a ghost that rose from the dead? Two years without a goddamn word.

As soon as the stasis dropped, Shepard reached for him, and Kaidan allowed himself to be pulled back into his gravity after being adrift for so long without him. Hot tears ran down his face as soon as their lips touched. In that instant he knew this was _his_ Shepard. No one else could’ve ever kissed him that way, with so much conviction, with everything he had. Gods couldn’t have counterfeited that kind of connection.

He had Shepard’s lips on him again. For two years that was all he needed; for two years, he thought he’d never have it. Now, he did. His hands were holding the sides of Shepard’s face, tilting him just right as they kissed like they were drowning, like it was the last kiss the galaxy would ever see, deep and impassioned, his heart breaking at the thought it would eventually have to end.

Kaidan let out a sob into Shepard’s mouth as his knees began to give out on him. A thousand and one memories flooded back in, things he’d spent two years trying to build a wall around, old wounds ripped open, and one kiss had undone it all. He felt Shepard’s arms squeeze him tight, and he hated that he knew Shepard would hold him up for as long as he could. He hated that he still trusted him to do so.

But they didn’t stop kissing, refused to really, as they remapped the farthest reaches of each other’s mouths.

Shepard moved his hands to Kaidan’s lower back and lifted him up, his legs wrapping around Shepard as their armor clanged together in the stillness. It felt like a vid, like he was watching from the outside when Shepard carried him through the closest doorway. A bed sat in the corner of an empty room, and Shepard took him to it. 

He flopped down onto it and Kaidan straddled his thighs awkwardly. It felt off, misaligned, like a shirt done up with one button missed, but it still felt right, like the smallest adjustment would fit them back into place, a nudge, a heavy whack from a hammer. That’s all it would take, he knew it, but he also knew they had to stop.

Kaidan pulled back and tried to speak, tried to voice everything his conscience wanted him to say, but words failed him when he looked into those inviting blue eyes. He needed this, just one last time and they could end it. Closure. Shepard seemed to hesitate too, the same questions reflecting on his face, and fuck if that didn’t make him want it more.

He heard the seals disengaging on Shepard’s chest plate before he realized his fingers had started clawing at the second set. And that must’ve been all the assurance Shepard needed. He fiddled with the clasps on Kaidan’s armor, tossing pieces haphazardly to the floor, while their kissing resumed, each slide of their lips more desperate than the last.

They stood as they stripped each other of the burdensome barriers between them, boots kicked off and under armor shed. It was instinct, their fingers moving like muscle memory until they bared all, and not just their bodies but also their souls.

This part had always come easy, and Kaidan hated that too.

He pushed Shepard back onto the bed and climbed on top, his knees framing Shepard’s hips as he leaned down to kiss him again, hard this time, animalistic, his body bearing down as he rutted against him, their stiff lengths dragging along the other’s and lighting up their bodies with electric arousal. He felt his biotics flash cobalt, the smell of eezo infiltrating his senses.

“Kaidan,” John purred as he fisted a hand in Kaidan’s hair, his other slipping between them to take them in hand. 

His thoughts turned to static, and he might of mumbled a few curses in reply. A haggard breath following when Shepard started to stroke them together, and they soon fell into rhythm as Kaidan rocked his hips. 

He nipped down Shepard’s neck leaving teeth marks and ugly bruises on his skin. This was angry sex and make-up sex and maybe even break-up sex. He wanted to mark him and make him bleed, the punishment for leaving him behind, but the tenderness soon seeped through because Kaidan still loved him, and he knew he would until they day he died. 

Though some part of him still wanted Shepard to suffer, to feel half the pain he’d had to carry around with him for the last two years. He knew it made him spiteful and vindictive, and usually that wasn’t his style, but Shepard _left_ him. This beautiful man made him open up and trust him, made him love, stole his heart from his chest only for it to get stomped on in the most horrible way.

How did someone get over that?

Shepard sat up and kissed him hard, both hands cradling Kaidan’s jaw. “I’m sorry,” he whispered on his lips. He said it again and again as he peppered Kaidan’s face, his neck, every bare surface he could reach, repeating it like a mantra until Kaidan finally believed him. 

He couldn’t blame Shepard’s for getting spaced, and maybe he couldn’t for the rest of it either, but he didn’t want to think about that now, couldn’t think about the Cerberus emblem on his under armor or on the ship hovering in atmo. He needed time to stop and everything else to fall away. 

He just needed Shepard next to him like he’d spent two years dreaming of, longing for. He spent two years searching for the devil so that he could make a bargain with him, and fuck if that bastard hadn’t deliver.

“Please,” Kaidan pleaded and Shepard didn’t need anymore than that. He flipped them over, and okay, maybe Kaidan missed that a helluva lot more than he thought.

It didn’t take long before Shepard had them hanging by a thread. He knew all the right buttons to push, every single one of Kaidan’s weaks spots, which sent any lingering doubts of an impostor flying out the window. Kisses to the hallow of his neck, a tonuge running up his jugular, teeth skidding over his colloarboane. Shepard knew him, every inch of him, but that realization brought him less comfort than it should have.

Despite the lightning storm of emotions, or maybe inspite of them, his orgasm hit him like a fucking freight train. For a split second in time, everything felt right again, like it did before, like it should’ve been. Shepard’s weight grounded him and fingers that felt as familiar as his own stroked him through his release.

He bucked up into Shepard and moaned at the senstive friction, which sent Shepard spilling out in between them. After their hips had stilled and they could breathe easy again, Shepard nosed along his jaw, pressing kisses to his heated skin. 

Kaidan wished he could’ve stopped time around them, locked them inside a bubble like the Collectors had done. But the veil of pure want had already started to lift, and real life began clawing its way back in. 

“I loved you,” Kaidan said with a sniffle, his face pressed into Shepard’s neck as he breathed in a scent he’d never forget.

“I still do,” Shepard whispered back.

Kaidan nudged Shepard until he rolled over to the side and wiped a tear from his cheek as he sat up. “I have to go.”

Shepard’s palm felt like fire when he placed it against Kaidan’s back. “You’re angry, I know.” 

“Who wouldn’t be angry? You left me, John! You have no idea how much that destroyed me.” Kaidan shrugged him off and reached for his under armor. “I’ve spent the last two years of my life mourning you, and then you just waltz back in like nothing happened.”

“It’s not that simple, and it’s only been a few weeks for me.”

Kaidan shook his head as he felt his anger returning in full force. He stood up and started to gather his armor. “Nothing’s ever simple with you.”

“I was in a goddamned coma, Alenko, and it wasn’t like I planned to get blown up by Collectors!”

“Fine. The coma wasn’t your fault, but Cerberus…,” he said, shaking his head as he crossed his arms in front of him. “It’s… it’s just too much.”

And he didn’t just mean with Shepard. He’d lost a whole colony, stood there frozen in place as the Collectors took them in droves. He could’ve been taken too, but Shepard showed up and saved his ass like he’d always done. His head started spinning with thoughts of the past and feelings of betrayal, the survivor’s guilt setting in and unease reemerging thanks to the C on Shepard’s under armor glaring at him as he put it back on.

He closed his eyes to take a cleansing breath and broke out in chills when he felt Shepard’s fingers card through his hair before Shepard pulled them back together. He wanted him more than anything, but he couldn’t think straight in the moment. Shepard felt like red sand rushing through his veins, and he didn’t think he could go down that path again.

“I’m seeing someone.”

It came out softer than he intended, and he would’ve thought Shepard hadn’t heard him if not for the way his body turned to stone. Shepard hugged him a beat longer before letting him go.

By the look on his face, Shepard didn’t know what to say. He looked equal parts shocked and in pain, and Kaidan didn’t have the strength to comfort him. He had to retreat, get his head clear, and reassess, so he busied himself with putting on his armor. The ritual always calmed him, and he got lost in the glide of fingers over each plate as he fastened them in place. When he looked up to initiate a goodbye, he realized Shepard had already gone.

And once again, he couldn’t shake the powerful ache of getting left behind.


	3. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard tries to deal with his memory loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, sorry this took so long. I've had a wicked case of writer's block that I'm just now getting over, hopefully. I'm not really sure what this chapter is, maybe just filler? I don't know, should I even bother continuing? I'm terrible with sequels.

After a barrage of tests over the next few days, they started Shepard on physical therapy. Nothing too extraneous at first. They had him sit up for as long as he could every few hours, and after a breakfast that consisted of Jell-O, a mean woman would come in and make him lift his legs off the bed. Or try to; he needed to work on that. He needed to work on a lot of things.

He spent most of his time sleeping, or faking it so he didn’t have to talk to his mother and the revolving door of strangers that came in insisting they knew him. He guessed they had hoped to jog his memory, but it hadn’t worked yet. The only person he wanted to talk to died ten years ago—so they said—and he didn’t exactly know how to deal with that.

Alenko took the night shifts, sleeping on an uncomfortable cot someone had dragged in for him, but they didn’t talk much other than him asking Shepard’s pain level or if he needed anything. Shepard probably hadn’t made it easy by biting his head off every time he opened his mouth, but he had more important things to worry about than his stranger-husband’s feelings, like how to make his left arm cooperate. It had a tendency to flail around on its own and even gave one of the doctor’s a nice shiner. He hadn’t done it intentionally, but it did feel kind of cathartic.

 _Admiral_ Shepard took over during the day. He got pretty good at confining his sobs to her bathroom breaks since she spent most of her time talking up Kaidan. When he tried to ask about Will, she’d change the subject. She might’ve meant well, but it angered him to the point he mouthed off about her marrying Kaidan instead. She backed off after that, and it gave him a little more breathing room to get his head on straight. 

Or try to; he had a lot to process. 

Hannah had finished the salad she bought from the cafeteria when the door slid open.

“If it’s another bowl of Jell-O, I’m jumping out the damn window,” Shepard grumbled, expecting the orderly with his lunch, if you could call it that.

“Sorry, I didn’t bring food,” said a man in a white coat.

His head lolled back against the pillow. “Don’t tell me, we’re best friends and you’ve come to jog my memory?”

The doctor chuckled at his obvious sarcasm, but shook his head. “No, I’m a complete stranger.”

“Just scan me and get it over with then. I need to get back to my existential crisis.”

“I’m Dr. Malcolm. Dr. Chakwas requested a psych consult.”

“Great, a shrink.” Shepard rolled his eyes as Dr. Malcolm pulled a chair beside his bed.

“I’m going to ask you some standard questions, Commander. Nothing too invasive, I hope, but we might be more productive alone,” Dr. Malcolm said, the last part more to Hannah.

She took the hint and sighed before standing. “I’ll be right outside if you need me, sweetheart,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze. What he needed was for everyone to stop mothering him, but if anyone had the right, he supposed it was her. He fiddled with the seam of his blanket and watched as she made her way to the door. 

He turned back to the doctor once the door slid shut. “I’m not suicidal or anything,” he preemptively stated.

“Yes, I’ve read your chart. This is more about helping you cope with waking up in what I can only imagine feels like a parallel universe.” The doctor quirked a smile and Shepard nodded in agreement.

“Something like that.”

“How did you feel when they told you what year it was?”

“Jumping right into it, are we?” 

Dr. Malcolm nodded as he brought out his omni-tool.

Shepard didn’t think talking to shrink would help him remember, but at least the doctor had to keep things confidential, and it wasn’t like he had anything to lose. It sure beat talking to his mother about things. She’d walk in every morning with a smile and the hope he’d remembered everything over night. He hated seeing the disappointment on her face over and over again when she’d find out he hadn’t.

And don’t get him started on Alenko, who he kind of refused to say more than a word at a time to. The Major walked around like a kicked puppy, and yeah, okay, maybe Shepard kind of understood why his “older self” would go for him with those eyes and that ass, but everything with him felt too weird, too stifled, like he was waiting around for the _real_ Shepard to wake up. He hated it.

Shepard blew out a long breath and thought back to the doctor’s question. “I felt confused mostly, at first, but then angry. I thought they were lying to me or that it was a trick... I don’t know, just mad. Like my life isn’t my own or something. I don’t know....”

“What about now? Do you still think it’s a trick?”

He scoffed and shook his head, letting his eyes drift over to the window he’d made one of the orderlies help him look out that morning. He’d seen the destruction, bits of those _Reapers_ still laying in the streets, buildings crumbling. The damage was too much not to be real. And he’d seen himself in the mirror since then, the eyes of an old soldier staring back at him. He believed every word, but it didn’t make him feel any better.

“No. Now I’m mad because I feel out of the loop. Everyone who comes in here seems to know every goddamn thing about me, and I feel at a disadvantage. Outmanned, outgunned, like I’m fighting blind. On my own. And then they tell me I have a husband who I feel like I’ve never even seen before. My mother won’t stop pestering me to remember things I should know... I just want to get out of here.”

“Hmm,” Dr. Malcolm hummed as he jotted down some notes. “Shepard, can I call you Shepard?” After a nod, he continued. “Shepard, I think it might help if you stop thinking about this in military terms. You say you feel outmanned, but everyone here is on your side. They aren’t the enemy.”

“I know that,” he snapped. They’ve all kept telling him the same thing, but it hadn’t changed the way he felt. “I just... I just want to remember.”

“It’ll come back,” Dr. Malcolm assured, but Shepard knew that wasn’t a guarantee. The truth was no one knew if or when or what he’d remember. They were just as clueless as him. He was in limbo, stuck between two worlds, two different versions of himself, and it felt like he didn’t know either of them.

Shepard fidgeted in his bed and winced when the movement pulled on some of his wires. “And if it doesn’t?”

“We’ll deal with that later. For now I think you need to rest and recuperate. Your body is still healing, and it’s very possible that your brain just needs a bit more time to recover.”

“Maybe.”

Dr. Malcom huffed out a laugh and Shepard looked at him as his eyebrows furrowed.

“Sorry, but I was just thinking about all those people out there, all the lives you’ve saved. You have no idea how many people are on your side.”

He didn’t feel much like a hero, not even after remembering Elysium.

“We’ll talk again soon, Shepard, but in the meantime, get some rest, and I suggest you let the people closest to you help. This is not a one-man mission, Commander. Your mother, Major Alenko, Dr. Chakwas, they all have your back.”

Shepard let his head fall back against his pillow, his eyes fluttering shut as he listened to the doctor’s shoes carrying him toward the door. It was a nice sentiment and all, but he couldn’t help how he felt, and right now that was anger, uncertainty, and loneliness. And the only person he thought might help alleviate any of it had been buried for ten years.

*****

The sun had set by the time Shepard woke from a late afternoon nap. His dinner looked cold and unappetizing on the tray by his side. Hannah must not have wanted to wake him when it arrived. He looked over to the chair by his bed and found Alenko reading a datapad. The movement must’ve attracted the Major’s attention, their eyes meeting for a split second before they both looked away.

Shepard stretched and reached for the water on the tray, thankful Alenko hadn’t jumped to his feet to help like he had the first couple of days. He wasn’t a complete invalid. He sat the cup back down and stared up at the ceiling. The doctor had made a good point that afternoon. Shepard didn’t think Alenko was going anywhere anytime soon, so maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to see if he could help jog his memory.

“So the doctor said I should... I don’t know, let you help.”

He heard the chair squeak but refused to look over.

“Oh?” Alenko replied, a hint of hesitation and surprise in his voice.

He chanced a glance at Alenko, who had his eyes fixed on the foot of his bed. “Yeah, so tell me something only we would know.” 

A heavy frown pulled at Alenko's lips. “There’s a ten year gap you don’t remember.”

“So that’s a no then....”

“You used to hate eclairs.”

“Used to?”

“You ate one and got sick once, but it was because you were coming down with the flu.”

Shepard didn’t want to admit it, but an eclair sounded pretty damn good. He waved off the thought. After a week’s worth of Jello-O and hospital food, dog food would probably sound appetizing. “But you said I ‘used to.’”

“You hated them until you met me. Now... you associate them with sex.” 

Shepard scoffed. “So, what? We go get an eclair and see if it gets me a boner?” Alenko shot him an unimpressed look that should’ve pissed him off but gave him a weird sense of pride instead. “Okay, so you were right about me getting sick, but that could’ve been a lucky guess.”

“Hmm, how about... you tell everyone you got that scar on your head from a stray bullet, but you really ran into a shuttle in a hangar bay.”

Shepard gawked at him for a moment before he schooled his expression. He shook his head and looked away. “My mom could’ve told you that.”

Alenko chuckled and Shepard looked back at him. His voice dropped low into a rich timbre when he spoke again. “That mole on the side of your neck? I can make you come just by sucking on it.”

Shepard swallowed as all the air seemed to leave the room, a spike of heat running down his spine and sparking out his toes as Kaidan smirked at him. He didn’t have words to reply to that, but he knew, deep down, that it was the truth. No one could’ve known that but them, and all of the sudden he felt naked under Kaidan’s gaze.

He squeezed his eyes shut, the sting of tears pricking his eyes, and flung his head back against the pillow. “This isn’t fair.”

“Shepard—”

“Just... go get me something to eat... please.”

“Sure... I’ll be right back.”

As soon as Kaidan left, he pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. Kaidan knew him, knew things he had no business knowing, but he did and Shepard hated it. He was married to a goddamn stranger. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so bad if they were on even footing, but they weren’t. Kaidan had the advantage, the high ground, and he couldn’t help but see him as an enemy because of it. 

No matter what Dr. Malcolm had said, he knew he was in this alone.


	4. Cowardice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus stops by to visit Shepard, Kaidan deals with his guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG So to those of you expecting smut this chapter... oops. Kaidan's integrity cock blocked them at the last minute. Goddammit, Alenko! 
> 
> Also I hope the time jumps aren't too disjointed.

A few weeks after he woke, they finally started Shepard on more extensive physical therapy. Kaidan did his best to look for the positive in everything, and he knew the stronger Shepard got, the fast he’d get to go home. Though home was a relative term. It meant the tiny apartment they were allotted in London. A strange new place had no chance of jogging his husband’s memories, but it would have to do for now.

Kaidan didn’t want to think about that though. The nurse had just come in to wheel Shepard down to the rehab center, and he welcomed the break from stilted conversation. Two weeks in and he still hadn’t been able to crack the outer shell Shepard had constructed. Even Hannah had trouble getting through to him, the stubborn ass. 

When Kaidan tried to follow, Shepard snapped at him. And despite his instinct to protest, he acquiesced. Deciding which battles to fight these days felt like traversing a minefield. He’d traded one war in for another, except this one he had no experience with, the enemy as illusive as a changing wind. 

But he’d keep fighting. He had no other choice.

 

**The Citadel, Post-Horizon 2185**

Kaidan spent the entire time in transport from Horizon utterly confused. He couldn’t get over the sight of Shepard in Cerberus armor. _Cerberus._ What possessed him to think that would ever be okay? And then he had the audacity to invite Kaidan along, like he was still that lovesick pup who’d follow him anywhere.

He would have... two years ago.

But then he remembered Max and the life he’d built after Shepard died—didn’t die, mostly died?—and he couldn’t throw that all away. Not for someone in Cerberus armor. He just couldn’t. He had morals. He had integrity. He had—he was scared to follow Shepard into hell a second time only to lose him for good.

So now he had to go home to the apartment he shared with Max and try to explain what he’d done. Maybe that would’ve been easier without the taste of Shepard still clinging desperately to his tongue, the burn from his stubble searing Kaidan’s skin like an eternal flame, or the knowledge he’d just gotten a part of his soul back.

And Max, goddamn that understanding bastard. He didn’t kick him out like Kaidan half dreaded, half hoped. He said “We can work through this” and other equally perfect things that had Kaidan’s skin crawling. That almost made it worse, his guilt, his _absolution._ Maybe he’d wanted the fight, the breakup, the excuse to run, but he had to bury it all. He’d made his choice, and it was the right one.

Maybe someday they’d both see that.

 

**Alliance Hospital, London, 2187**

“Alenko, what’d you do with him?” The velvety voice startled Kaidan and he turned to find Garrus standing in the doorway, hip cocked out and the Turian equivalent of a smirk flaring out his mandibles.

“Nurse took him to rehab. He should be back soon.” _If he hasn’t decided to cut and run._

“Any progress?”

Kaidan shook his head and turned to look back out the window. A light rain had started to fall, little trails of water cascading down the glass. He sighed when Garrus appeared in his periphery. “It’s obvious he still wants me gone. Can’t say I blame him. I’m pretty good at leaving when he needs me the most.”

Garrus made a strange noise that probably meant “idiot” in Turian, but the hand on his shoulder gave him more comfort than Kaidan thought it would. “He’s never thought so.”

“How do you know?”

“If this is about Horizon, then I know.”

Kaidan didn’t reply, which Garrus must’ve taken as a yes.

“He understood. Besides, I was with him, so you knew he was in good hands.” Garrus chuckled, and Kaidan had to join him.

“It did help. I’ll give you that. No way a Turian would join Cerberus without a damn good reason.”

“Exactly.”

“But that just makes it worse, because he was a damn good reason. He was right. I was wrong, and I missed out on so much time, time that I would give almost anything to have right now.” Kaidan held back the tears stinging his eyes. How many memories had he missed out on because of his goddamn integrity?

“You did the right thing in the moment. That’s what counts.”

Kaidan scoffed.

“But if you’re lucky, when his memory returns, he’ll only remember the good times.”

“Not sure that’s how it works,” Shepard said from behind them.

Of course not, Kaidan wasn’t that lucky.

They both watched as the nurse helped Shepard back into bed. “You should be sore today, but try and do a few more of your exercises before dinner.”

“Why are all the nurses here so pushy?” Shepard complained, glowering at the nurse as she flashed a fake smile.

“Because they must’ve realized how lazy you are,” Garrus teased.

“Lazy? I heard I saved the whole galaxy.”

“You did have help. I know. I was there.”

If it had been anyone but Garrus, Kaidan might’ve been jealous of how easily he and Shepard’s relationship slipped right back into place. But he couldn’t deny they had a bond even Cerberus couldn’t break. So he sat back and tried to enjoy the near smiles Garrus put on his husband’s face.

 

**Alenko Orchard, 2186**

This was not how Kaidan envisioned his second engagement. 

He’d just gotten word from a contact that Shepard made it back through the Omega 4 relay, and his mind—and most of his heart—was aboard the SR-2. But there he stood, in the middle of Grandma and Grandpa Alenko’s fiftieth wedding anniversary celebration, as Max kneeled in front of him. And well… he couldn’t exactly say no, especially when he realized Max must’ve already had the ring when he’d told him about Horizon.

So Kaidan nodded his answer, knowing full well he couldn’t say it out loud, the lie. And yes, he understood that made him a coward.

 

**Vancouver, 2186**

Kaidan stepped off the elevator in Alliance headquarters and tried to shake the memories setting in. Because that was _the one_ , the elevator they shared their first kiss in, the first time he had Shepard’s lips on him, and it hurt knowing it was over. Horizon should’ve given him closure, but it hadn’t, so he wanted to try again. He’d do it right this time, clean break, maybe flash his ring around just to make sure.

“Uh, excuse me. I’m here to see Commander Shepard,” he said to the guard stationed outside.

“He isn’t allowed visitors,” the guard replied, the man’s beefy shoulders puffing up even more. Probably in an attempt to intimidate him, but Kaidan knew he could take him with his biotics if he had to, though he’d rather not start a fight in the middle of HQ.

“I’m Major Alenko. I have permission from Admiral Anderson to question him.”

“You aren’t on the list.”

“At ease, Lieutenant Vega,” Anderson said, saddling up beside Kaidan. “I didn’t get a chance to update you this morning, but Major Alenko has access for today.”

Vega moved to the side but continued to eye Kaidan. “If you say so, sir.” He punched a code into the door, and it slid open.

“Be quick, Alenko. I don’t want word getting out he’s allowed visitors,” Anderson whispered to him.

“Aye, sir.”

Kaidan heard Anderson telling the Lieutenant to grab himself a coffee as he stepped inside the room. It looked better than any cell he’d ever seen, small, about the size of the Captain’s quarters on the SR-1, but even so, it took him a moment to locate Shepard. The crown of his head, freshly buzzed, jetted above the comforter on the bed.

“Shepard?” he said as he walked around the foot of the bed. Shepard didn’t look up at him, didn’t even flinch when he spoke. He had on BDUs and an Alliance hoody, barefoot. An elbow rested on the knee he had pulled against his chest as he stared into space, and for a moment, Kaidan wondered if he’d even heard him come in. “Shepard, it’s me.”

He didn’t move, but at least he replied. “I’m not allowed visitors.”

“Yeah, I had to pull a few favors.”

“Why so you could get a good look? To say ‘I told ya so?’ Or maybe just to lecture me on the importance of interspecies cooperation and how blowing up populated planets is bad?”

“What? No, none of that.” Kaidan paused, unsure of what to say. “I’m sure you did what you had to.”

“Yeah, because genocide is _always_ the answer.”

At least Kaidan got an eye roll that time, movement, acknowledgment, but he supposed prison had a way of beating even the strongest down. And Shepard looked defeated. 

It fucking hurt knowing Kaidan couldn’t do a damn thing about it, but more than that, he knew what he actually came to say would feel like salt grinding into his wounds. Maybe he needed that though, for Shepard to hate him, to burn every last bridge they had so he’d never be tempted to cross it. Because he already knew he would if given the chance.

“I just… I wanted you to hear it from me.” He paused and waited for Shepard to look at him. Those blue eyes still had fight in them, and they still had a way of cutting him to the quick. “I-I’m getting married.”

“Oh, well that’s even worse. Is that it or do you want to kick me while I’m down here too? Maybe drown a basket of kittens in my face?” Shepard got to his feet, and Kaidan pushed down the thought of how good he looked, despite everything he’d been through. “No, you know what? You don’t get to hurt me anymore. Get the hell out!”

“I thought I was doing the right thing telling you in person. I wish things were diff—”

“You know what I wish?” Shepard cut him off and got right in his face. Kaidan could see every line etched in his skin, every scar he’d remembered and some he didn’t, every twitch of muscle underneath. “I wish you’d never gotten on that damn elevator. I wish I’d never seen you in the window of that stupid fucking coffee shop. And I wish… I wish I would’ve saved Ash.”

Yeah, he’d wished all that too. Mostly on nights he’d spent at the bottom of a bottle begging the universe to take him too, or cursing it when he woke up hung over only to realize Shepard wasn’t there. “I know you don’t mean that.”

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut as they both did there best to hold back tears. “No, but I wish I did. Now get out.”

“I can’t.”

Shepard let out a watery laugh void of humor. “Why not?”

“Because I still love you, and because this is supposed to be _your_ ring on my finger,” he said, holding up his left hand. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Says the man who’s free and happy and _getting married_.”

“Maybe I’d rather be miserable with you than happy with someone else.”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“Yeah, you don’t think I know that?”

Shepard ran a hand over his head and turned around. He paced for a second before shaking his head and turning back to face him. “The universe clearly doesn’t want us together, Kaidan. I died right after we got engaged. That’s a fucking huge red flag. Not to mention you can’t really trust me, can you? And why should you? I’m on trial for _treason_. I killed a shitload of Batarians in a hijacked Cerberus ship, and they’re probably going to space me for it.

“So why don’t you go back to your perfect little life, get married to someone who actually makes you happy, and let me rot away in here in peace.”

Kaidan blew out a long breath and tried to prepare himself to walk away from this infuriating mess of a man for good. It was what he came here to do, and it’s what he wanted—it was what he was supposed to want. “If that’s what you want.”

“Yes, it’s what I want.”

He shook his head, not believing him for a second. “You are such a bad liar, John.” And okay, when did Shepard get so close? His eyes fluttered down to Shepard’s lips, and he could already feel them all over him, hot and soft and wickedly perfect, setting him alight in ways no one else ever could. But he forced his gaze down to Shepard’s bare feet. “I can’t cheat on him again. I can’t be that kind of man.”

He looked up in time to see a lone tear trickle down Shepard’s cheek. “I hate you so much.”

That he believed, because for the second time in less than a year, Kaidan had to walk away from Shepard right when he needed him the most.


	5. Progression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Couple's counseling with a dash of Kaidan in mourning.

Shepard had three sessions a week with Dr. Malcolm, though he didn’t see the point in talking to a shrink. They’d told him his problems were neurological not psychosomatic. But he didn’t mind Dr. Malcolm, until the asshat invited Alenko to sit in on one of their sessions. Shepard had agreed, but only because he thought he had to.

He did appreciate that Kaidan sat by the window and mostly kept his mouth shut though.

“It’s been a few weeks since you woke up, and I wanted to start by asking you if your feelings have changed,” Dr. Malcolm said once he’d gotten himself situated in his usual chair.

“What do you mean exactly?” Shepard asked. His feelings had changed about a lot of things, but he had no idea where to start.

“Well, in the beginning you said you felt like you were thrown into an alternate dimension. Do you still feel that way?”

Shepard sighed. “Not really, no. I mean I’ve had a lot more visitors since then, people who are supposedly my friends.”

“ _Supposedly_? You don’t think they are?”

“I guess I do. They all seem to know me, know things about me, my personality quirks, and… I don’t know. I guess now I just feel... lost. Like I was left behind when they talk about things I should remember. So not really like in an alternate dimension. Instead I feel stupid when I don’t get a joke or like I don’t quite fit.”

He refused to look at Kaidan even though he kind of wondered how he’d reacted to that.

“But then they’ll frown at me and give me those looks of pity, like they forgot my brain is messed up, and I don’t need that. I don’t need them to coddle me. I don’t need _him_ to watch me every second of the day.” He did _not_ let his eyes travel all the way to Kaidan, but he saw his shoulders slump in his periphery.

“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions, Major?” Dr. Malcolm asked, and Shepard almost wanted to protest because he thought this was supposed to be about him.

“Uh, sure. Go ahead,” Kaidan replied, but he sounded unsure.

“How do you feel about what he’s just said?”

Kaidan blew out a long breath, and the fact that he took so long to answer made Shepard antsy, like the two of them had just been called into the principal’s office for interrogation. Whoever cracks first gets the shorter punishment. 

“I don’t know. I guess it makes me sad that he has to go through this.”

Shepard scoffed and ignored the pointed look Dr. Malcolm gave him.

“And I don’t mean to coddle you, Shepard, but I don’t know how else to help you. You act like you don’t even want me around. I get that you need space, but sometimes I feel like you’re giving everyone a chance but me.”

Shepard looked down at his fingers as they toyed with the seam of his blanket. Kaidan wasn’t exactly wrong there.

“Hmm, Shepard, do you remember when we talked about how hard this is on everyone?” Dr. Malcolm asked.

“Yes, but it’s different with him.”

“Different how?” the doctor pressed when he took too long to explain.

“Everyone else, they’re here because they want to be. He’s here because he’s obligated.”

“Obligated?” Kaidan snapped. He stood up from the window ledge he’d spent all session perched upon and flew like a bat out of hell toward Shepard’s bed. 

Shepard sucked in a breath when the cobalt shimmer flickered over Kaidan’s skin, his fight or flight response activated by the faint smell of eezo. It was the first glimpse of something other than sadness Shepard had seen from him since he woke up. 

“No, I’m here because I love you, dammit! Probably since the day I met your infuriating ass. And yeah, some days I wish I hadn’t met you, because as Granny Alenko used to say, ‘there’s a fine line between love and hate,’ but we made vows, and I’m not about to break mine just because you don’t remember them. And just for the record, you’ve tried to push me away before. It didn’t work out so well. So get used to me and my coddling because I’m not going anywhere.”

Shepard blinked back him, more surprised than anything. Of course he’d married someone who rivaled him in stubbornness. 

_And were his eyes always that golden?_

“Shepard?”

“Hmm?”

“I asked if you had anything to say to that,” Dr. Malcolm said, motioning toward Kaidan.

“Uh, I… I know I haven’t tried hard enough with him—”

“Tell him, not me.”

“Right, um,” he turned back to Kaidan who looked about ready to go to war. “Maybe I do need to try a little harder, but it’s weird, okay? It feels like I went to sleep engaged to someone else, and now here you are telling me you aren’t leaving. So excuse me if I’m having trouble dealing with that.” The wounds from Will still felt raw, but they’d lessened in intensity since he’d woken up.

Kaidan’s glare softened. “Maybe it would help if you told me about him.”

“About Will?” 

Kaidan nodded, but Shepard took a moment to think about it. He didn’t want to, really, but Dr. Malcolm’s encouraging smile said he should at least give it a go. And technically he had married Kaidan, even if he didn’t remember doing so—his mom showed him the paperwork—but his old self must’ve trusted Kaidan. At the very least, it might help to get him off his back.

“He was beautiful… smart, an amazing soldier. We met on shore leave. He bought me a beer then kicked my ass in a battle sim, and that was pretty much it for me. He was in the middle of N training, so we didn’t have a lot of time together. But I admired him, you know? I’m not sure I could’ve done something like that.”

“What? N school?”

Shepard nodded, a soft smile on his lips as he remembered how proud he’d been when Will graduated.

“But you did.”

He scoffed. “I’m an N?”

“Yeah, N7.”

He felt rage begin tumbling through his veins again. Why couldn’t he remember his own fucking life? How could he forget something so monumental? Right now he’d settle for pieces of it, of who he used to be, of the man everyone else around him knew but who felt like a stranger to him. “Gods, I fucking hate this!”

“I think that’s enough for today,” Dr. Malcolm said, shutting down his omni-tool. “I know it might not feel like it, Shepard, but you’re making progress. Best-case scenario, you remember almost everything, but you’re both soldiers and you know we also need to prepare for the worst. That’s why I’d like Kaidan to sit in on some of our sessions going forward.”

“What? Like couple’s counseling?” Shepard asked with an incredulous snort.

“Yes, exactly that. Not all of them of course, but he is legally your husband, and if you don’t regain your memories, you’ll have some tough decisions to make going forward, decisions that you both might need help getting through. And Major, if you need to talk about things one-on-one, we can certainly do that as well.”

Kaidan nodded and shook Dr. Malcolm’s hand, but his sad Spectre face had slipped back into place. John wondered how much he could take before he gave up on them.

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“I’ll see you in a few days, Shepard. Keep up the good work with your PT, and they’ll have you out of here in no time.” Dr. Malcolm smiled as Shepard waved goodbye.

A few minutes later, he and Kaidan had settled back into the strange place between comfortable and awkward silence as Shepard thought about what they’d both said. The whole N thing had kind of thrown him. How could he forget achieving something he’d wanted all his life?

“Why didn’t anyone tell me about my N7 status?” he asked when he couldn’t stand the quiet any longer.

Kaidan looked up from his datapad, almost startled that Shepard had initiated conversation. And yeah, he felt a little bad for that. “It never came up. And the doctors didn’t want us bombarding you with too much, too soon. They also didn’t want us to give you false memories.”

Shepard hummed.

“Look, Shepard… I’m sorry about Will. I know you’re probably still mourning him, and I get it. I really do.”

“How would you know? Have you ever lost a fiancé before?” Shepard snarled, his patience for the whole situation wearing rather thin after PT and Dr. Malcolm.

But Kaidan’s long pause and his forlorn expression had Shepard feeling like an asshole, because obviously the answer to that question was yes. Though that only proved his point. He didn’t know Alenko at all. And maybe Kaidan didn’t know him either.

“I lost you once,” Kaidan finally said. “You died right in front of me and I couldn’t do a damn thing to save you. It destroyed me for a long time.”

Shepard rolled his eyes, he felt pretty alive now. “It was only four months.”

“No, I meant before this, and it was _two years_. I mourned you, thought I buried you… but then I got you back… and I don’t care what you do or what you say, but I’m not losing you again.”

He’d died? Fuck, he thought Garrus was joking about that. Someone needed to tell him the story, but it would have to wait. He took a deep breath, his voice morphing from anger-laced into something softer. “I don’t even know you.”

“You’ll remember.”

“And if I don’t?”

Kaidan looked up at the ceiling, worrying his lip, before returning his gaze as he shrugged. “I don’t know, but we've found our way back to each other before, and I need to believe we can do it again. So you’ll just have to get to know me, and I’ll have to find a way to make you fall in love with me. Properly this time, not in elevators, and over actual food, not éclairs.”

Shepard chuckled, which seemed to surprise them both. “You’re cute, but you’re not really my type.”

“Gods, you’re so fucking stubborn.”

“We had good times then, huh?”

Kaidan smiled, and Shepard couldn't say he'd mind seeing more if that.

“Yeah, in between battles to save the galaxy.”

 

**Mars, 2186**

“How’s married life treating you, Kaidan?” Shepard asked, not bothering to hide his distain. He’d seen an invitation on Anderson’s desk one day to Kaidan’s wedding, and so what if he drank more than usual when the actual date came around. James had gotten pretty good at picking him up off the bathroom floor.

“We had to postpone. And now with all this…” he said, pausing as he popped out of cover to Reave a lone Cerberus solider. Shepard could feel the intensity of his gaze, but he refused to look back at him, couldn’t really. His heart had suffered enough leaving Earth.

But apparently the Cerberus bot didn’t get the memo. 

 

**Huerta Memorial, 2186**

“Hey, Kaidan. You’re looking better,” Shepard greeted as he strolled into his hospital room. He’d been lucky, no major injuries besides a rattled implant, but he’d recover. With the galaxy falling to pieces around them, they’d all needed a bit of good news. “The bruising’s almost gone. You should be back to your stupidly handsome self in a few days.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan replied, huffing out a breath he probably meant as a laugh.

John pulled his chair up closer but didn’t sit. “What’s wrong?” When Kaidan wouldn’t look at him, he stepped a little closer and dipped his head until their eyes met. “Is it your parents?”

He sighed as he shook his head. “They’re both fine, but….”

“What’s-his-face?” Shepard asked, his tone softening. And perhaps he should stopping being such an ass and use the guy’s actual name, but sue him from being petty.

“Just got word…. He didn’t survive the initial invasion.”

“Oh, Kaidan… I’m so sorry.”

Kaidan scoffed and rolled his eyes away.

“I really am.”

“I could’ve made him happy, you know? I wanted to. I wanted to stop thinking about you and stop wanting you, stop _loving_ you… but I can’t, I couldn’t.”

Shepard wanted to wipe the tear from his cheek, but he resisted. He didn’t think they were there yet. 

He hated to think they never would be again.

“You died, and I couldn’t cope. He died, and I’m… relieved. That isn’t fucking right, Shepard! What’s wrong with me?”

“Hey hey, there’s nothing wrong with you,” he reassured him, pulling Kaidan against his chest, no longer giving a damn where they were, because they didn’t exactly have the luxury of time on their side. His fingers slid through Kaidan's silky hair with ease, and he refused to linger on how perfect it felt to have Kaidan's arms around him again. “People mourn in different ways. When I lost Will… well, you already know all about that.”

“Torfan.”

“Normally I’d say don’t go to that extreme, but it’s the fucking Reapers.”

Kaidan let out a watery chuckle as he pulled back.

“What I mean is you can’t be so hard on yourself, Kaidan. You and I… we were thrown into an impossible situation, and I’m sorry for being such a baby about it. I haven’t made it easy on you, but I promise going forward, I’ll try to do better.”

Kaidan looked down at his hands steepled in his lap. “I think I need to be alone for awhile.”

“Yeah, sure… If you need anything, let me know. And I’ll try to stop by before we ship out tomorrow. Get better, okay?”

“Spectre’s orders?”

Shepard smirked at him, then he turned to leave. “Something like that.”

“Hey, Shepard?”

“Yeah, Kaidan?”

“Thank you.”

Shepard smiled over his shoulder and left the “I’d do anything for you” hanging in the thickness between them, but he had a feeling Kaidan already knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And once again, I promised smut I couldn't deliver. Bad Lucie! But the beginning of next chapter though. ;)


	6. Break Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice little flashback to ME1; then the boys move into an apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to hold onto this for a few days, but it's finished and I have absolutely no self-control.

**SR-1, Citadel space, 2183**

“Look what I got,” Shepard singsonged, carrying a small white box as he slipped into the captain’s quarters. Kaidan had slept off a migraine in his bed after an encounter with some Cerberus troops, but he felt back in fighting shape and had hoped to slip out before everyone returned from shore leave. But now that Shepard had arrived, he was kind of glad he hadn’t started getting dressed yet.

“The only correct answer is éclairs since you owe me two dozen.”

“Are you keeping tabs on me, Kaidan?”

“Are you keeping tabs on the elevators we fuck in?”

“Fair enough,” Shepard said. He slipped off his boots and made his way to the bed, sitting down beside Kaidan and placing the box in his lap. “You are correct. But these aren’t just any éclairs. They are the best ones on the Citadel, and I know that for a fact.”

Kaidan gave him a fond smile and pretended he hadn’t heard that several times before. One of these days he’d get it right, but Kaidan wouldn’t make it easy for him. “All right, let’s have a taste then.”

Shepard wiggled his brows as he opened the box. He waved a hand over top of the éclairs like a magician doing his big reveal, and Kaidan had to admit, they looked delicious. Shepard picked one up and tossed the box off to the side, moving closer so he could feed it to Kaidan.

He kept his eyes on Shepard as he opened his mouth and hummed when the delectable treat hit his tongue. Damn, that was a good éclair, but not quite as good as the place he refused to name. The warm, creamy filling hit his taste buds around the same time Shepard’s grip failed causing the pastry to flip and land chocolate side down on his chest.

He might’ve been mad if not for the mischievous glint in Shepard’s eyes, and if he hadn’t known better, he would’ve guessed the cheeky bastard had done it on purpose.

“Oops, sorry about that. You, uh, better lay back and let me clean you up.” 

Shepard’s voice alone had Kaidan’s skin tingling with anticipation, so he complied. Shepard smeared the dropped pasty down his torso before picking it up and blindly put it back in the box. Kaidan wanted to complain, but how could he? He bit his lip as Shepard leaned over him and stopped just short to draw his finger through the glob of custard left behind from the éclair. 

“Mmm,” Shepard moaned, plunging the finger into his mouth, and Kaidan felt himself start to throb with want, his pelvis rocking up into Shepard’s stomach in desperate need of attention or friction or whatever else he could find to quench the fire Shepard so easily stoked in his veins. “Spirits, do other pastries do this to you or just éclairs?”

“Why are you still talking?”

Kaidan saw the tail end of a smirk just before Shepard began mouthing at the chocolate streak on his chest. He could still taste it on Shepard’s lips when he moved up to kiss him, and he realized he might’ve had an unhealthy obsession with éclair kisses. Or maybe just Shepard. 

A slippery digit teased his nipple, and Kaidan wagered a guess it was now covered in custard. Shepard gave his bottom lip a hard suck then kissed his way down the center of his chest, making more of a mess than actually cleaning him up. But Kaidan couldn’t care any less about that when the flat of Shepard’s tongue worked its way over his sticky nipple. He might’ve whimpered when teeth clamped down on him, and goddamn, why hadn’t John grown his hair out yet?

“Are you gonna fuck me or what?”

A seductive chuckle rumbled in Shepard’s chest. “Or what.”

Before Kaidan could counter, Shepard began palming him through the bed sheet as he kissed a path downward, the rough fabric the only thing separating them. Then the sheet disappeared and Shepard’s tongue took its place, teasing and enticing him to full hardness as fingers danced over the sensitive skin of his balls.

“You taste so good,” Shepard whispered, and Kaidan moaned in reply, his voice lost the moment Shepard sucked him into the succulent heat of his mouth. They’d only just begun and he could hardly stand the wait, the game, the push and pull they’d both grown so good at during their alone time together. They didn’t have much, but Kaidan tried his best to make the most of what they managed to steal away.

And _this_ , Shepard’s lips and tongue and the gentle drag of his teeth doing wicked things to Kaidan’s immortal soul, was a damn good way to spend it.

Shepard pulled back, his tongue flicking out against the delicate tip of his cock as his hands took over.

“I will give you all the money in my bank account if you don’t stop,” Kaidan said, fully aware of how wrecked his voice sounded.

“Excuse me?” Shepard asked, an amusing smirk tugging at his lips. “I’m Commander Shepard, the first Human Spectre, not some cheap rent boy…. You’ll have to throw in a steak sandwich too.”

“Done!”

Shepard chuckled and started back in on him, his pace steadily increasing until Kaidan couldn’t stand anymore. Right before he lost control, Shepard let him go and brought him over the edge with a few strokes of his callused hand.

Kaidan’s head had lulled back when pleasure enveloped him, his toes curling into the sheets, but he felt the ropes of come smatter against his belly. And when he opened his eyes, he found Shepard hovering above him, his intense baby blues blown dark and full of complete adoration. Kaidan reached up and pulled him in for a kiss only broken when Shepard nuzzled into the crook of his neck as he came between them.

“Yes or no?” Shepard panted, warm puffs of air tickling Kaidan’s shoulder. “About the éclairs, I mean.”

“No.”

He felt Shepard shake his head before he pressed a few kisses to his neck. “Damn. You know, when I agreed to this weird game of Hunt the Éclairs, I didn’t expect the fucking Citadel to have over two hundred places that served the little devils.”

“Only one hundred and eighty-two more to go.”

Shepard snorted. “I might’ve lost count of the elevators.”

“Oh?” Kaidan smirked, his fingers running idly down Shepard’s spine. “Guess we’ll have to start over then.”

“Guess so.” 

He glanced at his chest, now covered in chocolate and custard and their come, and nearly ascended into heaven when Shepard began traveling back down the length of his body, an insatiable tongue darting out to lap up the messy concoction.

“One of these days, John, you’re going to kill me.”

 

**London Apartment, 2187**

“Goddammit, Shepard! Are you trying to kill me?” Kaidan snapped from where he lay sprawled out on the second floor landing. He loathed the fact that their new apartment building didn’t have an elevator for a multitude of reasons, but it was the best the Alliance could do on such sort notice.

As soon as Shepard gained the strength to do a few laps around his hospital ward, he started threatening to bite the heads off orderlies if they didn’t release him. They had a pretty big fight about it, in which Dr. Malcolm had been paged, but in the end, Kaidan gave in, agreeing to put in a request for temporary housing. 

Relationships involved compromise, but he also hoped that getting Shepard alone would help dissolved the weird tension between them. And he knew he couldn’t stand in the way of Shepard pushing himself in terms of his recovery. He’d married a stubborn man, and despite the memory lose, Kaidan appreciated the little glimpses of the husband he’d left on the battlefield nearly half a year ago.

But when he told the jackass to wait at the bottom of the stairs while he parked the skycar, he should’ve known he wouldn’t. Shepard had almost made it to the third floor—which Kaidan refused to be impressed about—when he found him. He’d went into a mild panic as he rushed up to him, but as soon as he’d placed a hand on Shepard’s shoulder, he’d shrugged him off, the motion throwing Kaidan off balance and sending him tumbling down the stairs.

Grunt’s foot stopped him from rolling down the rest of the way.

“Why would I want to kill you?” Shepard asked. He sounded winded, but maybe the three flight walkup would aid his recovery. “You aren’t rich or anything, are you?”

Kaidan scowled at him as Grunt plucked him up off the floor like a ragdoll. “Thanks, Grunt. Now do me a favor and carry him to bed.”

Shepard’s eyes went wide. “No, I’m perfectly capab—shit, cramp!”

“Heh. I got you Shepard.”

“Grunt, I sweat to Gods, if you pick me up, I’ll—oomph.”

“There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, Shepard.”

“Fuck you, Alenko!”

Kaidan gave him a smug smile and cackled all the back up the stairs. Grunt wasn’t Kaidan's biggest fan at the moment since he’d scolded him about eating coy out of the hospital fountain, but they both had Shepard’s best interests at heart. And he enjoyed the sight of Shepard thrown over his shoulder more than he probably should have.

After the three of them ate lunch, which Shepard grumbled about before scarfing down, Shepard took a long nap. He’d had a busy day; they both had. Kaidan wanted a nap as well, but Hannah arrived as he was saying his goodbyes to Grunt.

“How are things?” she asked once they’d settled down on the couch with some tea.

Kaidan sighed, his shoulders slumping as he gave his drink a stir. “He doesn’t trust me.”

Hannah’s eyes filled with sympathy. At least he had one Shepard on his side. “You know he doesn’t give that out easily.”

“He did the first time,” Kaidan huffed. “Sorry, it just feels like he’s fighting me every step of the way. He’s let everyone else in again, but sometimes I feel like his warden not his… well, definitely not his husband, but would it really pain him to treat me like he treats the rest of our friends.”

Hannah put down her mug and scooted closer to him. She placed a hand on his knee and squeezed. “But you’re not his friend, are you? And maybe that’s why he’s fighting you…. He told me it felt like an arranged marriage, and you know how he hates being told what to do.”

Kaidan deflated even more at that.

“He also asked to move in with me—”

“What?”

“I told him no.”

He blew out a shaky breath and tried to quell the storm of emotions brewing inside of him. “…maybe you should’ve said yes.”

“Kaidan….”

“I love him so much, I do, but he obviously hates me, Hannah. What am I supposed to do with that?” She gave a soft shake of her head as she shrugged. The warmth in her blue eyes made the pain inside him flare out of control, because what if John never looked at him like that again? “I-I don’t think I can do this.”

He didn’t resist when she pulled him into her arms, his body betraying him as he began to sob. She ran a hand through is hair, and the gentle touch did nothing but coax more tears from his burning eyes. He didn’t want to be like this, some pathetic fool who didn’t know when to let go, who couldn’t control their emotions. He felt weak and helpless, and the worst part was he didn’t have John to see him through it. He didn’t know how to do this alone.

“Shhh, shhh… he’ll come around. You just have to be patient.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

He felt the rise and fall of her chest when she sighed, and it ushered in a new wave of tears. He hated this; he hated everything. They'd saved the whole damn galaxy, but why did if feel like he'd lost the only thing he knew for a fact he couldn't live without? What would he do if he never got his Shepard back?

"You're such a strong man, Kaidan, and I wish I knew how to help both of you, but all I can do is tell you you aren't alone."

Liara had told him the same thing, and it hadn't really helped. But his pain began to lessen with each stuttered breath, and when he’d wrung every last drop from his misery, only numbness remained. He collected himself once he could breath again and pulled away. “Thank you.”

Hannah smiled as she wiped at his cheek, the gesture making him miss his own mother, whom he needed to call. “Why don’t you go have a nice long shower, scrape all the hospital off you, and then we’ll see about making this place a little more homey.”

“Yeah…” he said as he nodded, reaching for his warm tea to wash away the dryness in his throat. “I’d like that.”

//

John hobbled back to bed when he heard the springs on the rickety couch shifting. He pulled the sheet over his shoulders and rolled toward the window. Grunt had shut the curtains, but a beam of light streamed in through the slit in the middle and warmed his face.

Kaidan loved him.

That should’ve been obvious, right? They’d gotten married, and Kaidan had all but refused to leave his side since he’d woken up. He’d even said as much during their sessions with Dr. Malcolm. How much more proof did Shepard need? How about watching Kaidan break down, the way he'd fallen apart in his mother’s arms all because of him? Yeah, that did it. Hannah Shepard didn’t tolerate weakness, but for Kaidan, it seemed she'd made an exception. 

Part of him wanted to be jealous about that, but mostly, he felt like a complete ass. Because the more he thought about it, the more he realized how utterly wrong he'd been. Kaidan loved him, had put up with his shit for weeks now with hardly a complaint. No, Kaidan Alenko was anything but weak. 

So maybe he should stop being such a colossal idiot and start treating him like an ally as opposed to an enemy. After all, from the tales he'd heard over the past few weeks, it sounded like he'd already made more than enough of those.


	7. No Eclairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan does a 180; Shepard is 2 for 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooo sorry this took so long, but I had to take a break from this thing for a while. Hopefully I can get some more updates soon. I appreciate everyone who's still hanging in there with me! <333

**London Apartment, 2187**

John couldn’t think of any other way to describe the first dinner he and Kaidan shared in their new apartment than awkward as fuck. He’d tried to get his mother to stay, but she insisted on leaving before the sun went down, and considering the state of London, it made sense for her to do so. The city still sat in shambles, and honestly, John had no idea how they’d fought through it and came out the other side.

Kaidan did his best to make conversation, but he eventually gave up on John’s stilted replies. A grunt after Kaidan asked how his soup tasted turned out to be the last thing spoken until they exchanged a tired goodnight. John felt guilty when Kaidan grabbed a blanket and made himself comfortable on the couch. He’d expected a fight over the bed. Though the lumpy mattress had him wondering if Kaidan got the better end of the stick on that one.

The next morning, he woke up to the smell of coffee enveloping him like a warm embrace. He checked the clock and yawned, noting he had forty-five minutes until his PT appointment. Kaidan must’ve let him sleep in. He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders as he got up, then made a detour to the bathroom before hobbling into the kitchen.

“Morning, Shepard. I made coffee,” Kaidan said, glancing up from his datapad only long enough to motion toward the coffee machine.

It surprised him when Kaidan didn’t offer to make him a cup, but he looked absorbed in whatever he was reading. He’d already gotten dressed as well, his hair slicked back, the shine of it rivaling that of his boots. And despite having to sleep on the couch, he looked exceptionally well rested. It only made John slightly irritated.

“The hospital said they’re sending a car for us, right?” John asked before blowing over the rim of his coffee.

Kaidan looked up at him, then back down at his omni-tool when a message came through. “James needs my help with something today, so you’re on your own.” He stood and drained the contents of his mug, depositing it in the sink when he started for the door. 

John stared after him, unsure of what to think about the complete one-eighty. Kaidan hadn’t left his side in months, and all of the sudden, he’s ready to leave him on his own? “But what about breakfast?”

“He owes me one, said he knows of a shop that has éclairs.”

John didn’t know why but that bugged the shit out of him. “Oh, okay. I guess we’ll stop on the way.”

“Oh, you meant for you,” Kaidan said with a snort of derision. “Of course you did…. Uh, there’s cereal in the cabinet somewhere. Your skycar should be here in twenty….” He trailed off when his omni-tool beeped again. “Shit, I gotta go. Not sure when I’ll be back, but good luck with therapy.”

Before John knew how to reply, the apartment door slid shut, leaving him to wonder what the hell just happened. 

The rest of his day went downhill from there.

 

**Normandy SR-2, 2186**

Kaidan knew better than anyone what the war meant to the future of the galaxy. He stood on the front lines every time their shuttle touched down for a new assignment. But he also knew how important it was to retreat and regroup every once in awhile in order to continue fighting at full capacity, even if Shepard didn’t. 

Since his reinstatement to the Normandy, he and Shepard had rekindled their relationship. Shepard offered to give him space and all the time he needed, but after all the shit they went through together, Kaidan just wanted a fresh start. He didn’t get it though. Instead, they picked up exactly where they left off, like the last three years hadn’t happened. And honestly, it went better than Kaidan could’ve imagined.

Until their first fight.

“Are you still working on the reports from the mission?” Kaidan asked as he stepped out of Shepard’s bathroom in a pair of briefs and a white T-shirt. He’d just had a shower, his hair still dripping when he saw Shepard hunched over his desk where he’d left him thirty minutes ago.

“Someone has to.”

Kaidan walked over to the desk, trying not to make eye contact with the husk head staring at him, and leaned against it. “John, I’ve told you ten times already. Leave them for tomorrow. You need sleep.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” he replied, not bothering to look up from his datapad, so he didn’t see the way the words stung Kaidan like a punch to the gut. John huffed out a mirthless laugh when he realized what he’d said, but it kind of made Kaidan want to punch him in the gut.

“Why would you say something like that?”

He finally looked up and sighed when he saw Kaidan’s pained expression. “It was just a joke, K.”

“Well, it wasn’t funny.”

John pulled a face and looked back down at his datapad. “I thought it was,” he murmured.

“Why are you being such an ass right now? All I’m doing is trying to look out for you.”

“I know you are, but I’m fine… really, K.”

“You’re not fine. You’ve hardly slept all week. I had to bring you lunch today because you forgot to eat. I couldn’t get you to take a shower, and now you’re brushing me off? Again?” Kaidan sighed out a breath when Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose in reply, clearly intent on ignoring him. “You know, there’s only so many times you can rebuff me before I get the hint and stop trying.”

“Oh, so this wasn’t about me? You just wanted sex.”

“Spirits, John! No, I want you to stop working yourself to death because it’s bad enough the Reapers and Cerberus _want_ you dead. I don’t need you doing the job for them by running yourself into exhaustion.”

“Fine, you want to help,” Shepard said, tossing his datapad on the desk before his hands fell to his belt. “I could use a blowjob.”

Kaidan felt his cheeks begin to burn with anger, the familiar dark energy pulsing at the base of his skull begging to be unleashed. “Fuck you, John.” He pushed himself away from the desk, breaking Shepard’s grip when he reached out to stop him.

“Oh, come on, Kaidan. Don’t be like that.” Shepard spun in his chair and watched as Kaidan grabbed a pair of sweat pants from the couch before storming toward the door. “Where are you going? Kaidan, come on. I was just teasing.”

Kaidan remained silent, Shepard’s last plea for him to stay falling on deaf ears. They both needed a time out, Shepard especially, before one of them said something they’d really regret. 

John worked too hard; everyone knew that. So sue him for wanting to make sure his boyfriend took care of himself. The man had really upped his game in the stubborn jackass department since the SR-1, but then again, he had a helluva lot more pressure on his shoulders this time around. Kaidan understood that, which made it all the more frustrating for him to sit by and do nothing.

*

It took eight minutes before Shepard came sulking through the door of the starboard observatory after him, much to Kaidan’s surprise. He hadn’t expected to see him again until at least breakfast. “Uh, Tali, I’ll comm you back.”

“Sure, Kaidan. I’ll be here if you need me.”

He closed out his omni-tool just as Shepard flopped down on the couch beside him, but neither of them spoke for a while. The stifling silence morphed into comfortable companionship without Kaidan realizing it. He refused to break the stalemate, though, because he’d racked up a fair amount of his own stubborn points in their time apart. But he didn’t pull away when Shepard’s fingers slotting between his.

“I can’t sleep,” Shepard finally admitted. He sounded beyond tired and looked even worse when Kaidan turned to regard him.

“I’m sure Dr. Chakwas can give you something.”

“No, you don’t understand.” He rubbed his brow with his free hand, but Kaidan had a feeling he only did it to hide the tears welling in his eyes. “It’s nightmares, Kaidan. It’s Reapers and Collectors and Ash and goddamn beacons on Eden Prime. It’s the SR-1 over Alchera. And I can’t escape any of it. Not when I’m asleep and certainly not when I’m awake, but everyone’s looking to me like I have the solution to it all, like I can stop it. But I can’t because I can’t even do something as easy as sleep.”

“John,” Kaidan soothed, moving to wipe at a tear rolling down Shepard’s face, but he batted his hand away. Kaidan frowned at him, unsure of how to comfort him.

“I’m sorry about earlier, for acting like a jerk. I know you just want to help, but I’ve gotten this far.”

He didn’t say _on my own_ , but Kaidan knew how to read between the lines.

“You aren’t alone,” Kaidan assured him, giving his hand a tender squeeze. “And this time I’m not leaving you.”

Shepard looked almost surprised by that. “You should. I’m a fucking mess, Kaidan.”

“You’re not losing me again. And I’m not losing you. I think we’re both too stubborn for that now, after everything. I hated you, when you stole that first éclair out from under my nose. I hated you. Because you shined so bright, and that scared the shit out of me, but now that’s one of things I love the most about you. You may be the one leading the way in this war. But you and me? We’re in this together. We have been from the very beginning.

“So no. I’m not leaving you. Not now, not ever. And yeah, you may be a mess…,” Kaidan chuckled when Shepard gave him a soft glare, “but you’re my mess, and I love you.”

Kaidan watched as Shepard let out a heavy sigh, but he eventually nodded. Then Shepard bumped him with his shoulder and huffed out a laugh, the mood shifting in an instant. “Your mess, huh?”

“Afraid so.”

They sat in silence for a while, watching the stars glittering out the observatory window. Everything looked so calm on the other side of the glass, and he wondered if that had more to do with the void of space or the man sitting beside him. Shepard leaned his head on Kaidan’s shoulder, and he hoped the solace would bring them both some much-needed sleep. 

But then Shepard spoke, the sound of his whispers amplified by the quiet.

“Marry me.”

Kaidan blinked, his brain having trouble pulling meaning from the syllables.

“Unless you wanted to propose this time?”

Shepard’s deep chuckle had Kaidan’s heart rate slowing. He thought it should’ve started racing at the idea of getting engaged yet again, but everything with John had always come easy, had always made sense. Maybe rushing into another engagement wasn’t the smartest thing to do, especially in the middle of a war, but Shepard had a way of defying reason, of making the impossible sound plausible.

He turned his head and felt Shepard’s warm breath waft against his cheek. He knew he wanted to feel that forever. “What, no éclairs this time?” They shared an easy laugh but Kaidan made sure to reply before John had a chance to offer a cheeky retort. “Of course I’ll marry you… but if you die on me again, I’ll hunt you down and kick your ass.”

“Understood, Major.”

One sloppy, sleep-deprived make out session later and Kaidan found himself pinned under the weight of the Savior of the Galaxy, his hand toying with the soft fuzz at the base of John’s skull. He had a bad feeling he’d soon have John’s drool dribbling down his neck, but if that meant his two-time fiancé got a decent night’s sleep, he’d happily deal with the consequences.

He had no right to feel as peaceful as he did when he knew millions of lives were under attack at that exact moment, that billions more were at stake, but he figured the universe owed them _one_ night of joy after it had taken so much from them. And tomorrow, when they woke—hopefully well rested for the first time in ages—they’d fight for one more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was supposed to be smut here, but you know these two. They got all angsty on me.


End file.
